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The Golden Girls: A Millennial Primer

February 13th, 2017 by Martin Moakler Social Community Manager

On this illustrious Galentine’s Day, classic ‘80s sitcom The Golden Girls returns in all its pastel glory to Hulu. Picture it: four hilarious senior ladies with dead and ex-husbands who didn’t yet have Facebook to harass their adult kids, so they spent their time dating, laughing, exchanging insults, and eating cheesecake. But how do the lives of these grandmas apply to the Millennial-on-the-Go? Since there is nary a text or a cell phone in the series, their world may seem alien, so we’ve put together this Golden Girls 101 so you can jump right in and watch all 180 episodes starting today.

Dorothy Zbornak: Acid-tongued substitute teacher from Brooklyn, who moved into the house after her husband left her for a younger woman. In terms of other sitcom foursomes, she would be a Carrie or a Hannah, but let’s be clear: she would totally make them cry.

Blanche Devereaux: The epitome of Southern Belle, this merry widow owns the house where the girls frequently hear about her libidinous exploits, both past and present. Think of her as a Samantha or a Marnie, whose men Blanche would no doubt seduce.

Rose Nylund: A grief counselor who moved from Minnesota to Miami after the death of her husband, this trusting and gullible naïf looks at the world through dumb-colored glasses and describes it with a gefuhrkenurk stable of Norwegian words. Think of her as Charlotte or Shoshana as a child. Also, we made up the word gefuhrkenurk.

Sophia Petrillo: Sicilian immigrant and mother to Dorothy, a stroke left her without the filters of polite society. With wisdom and apt insults in spades, she is both mother figure and rebellious teen of the group. She’s like the Jessa of the group, but she also alternates between the Miranda and Magda.

Miami: 1980s playground of swinging senior citizens and Don Johnson. Miami’s got style… Blue sky, sunshine, white sand by the mile. Think of it as a Southern New York.

Stan: Dorothy’s ex-husband, identified by his bad toupee and worse catchphrase, “Hi. It’s me, Stan.” He’s the Mister Big and Adam of the group. He’s also a yutz.

Shady Pines: The retirement home of terror which burned down, enabling Sophia to move in with Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose. In the realm of other foursome sitcoms, think of it as Staten Island.

Picture It: How Sophia conjures up a location and era before imparting the wisdom of her experience.

Back in St. Olaf: How Rose begins any story about her simple and bewildering hometown of St. Olaf, Minnesota.

Cheesecake: Ambrosial pastry with which all of life’s problems can be solved at the kitchen table.

The Rusty Anchor: Watering hole and pickup spot where the girls can find available suitors with dead wives and all their hair.

Lanai: It’s just a patio. That’s all.

All 180 episodes of The Golden Girls are now streaming on Hulu. Thank you for being a friend who watches it.