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TOTAL RECAP: “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” STARRING KRISTEN STEWART WITH MUSICAL GUEST ALESSIA CARA

February 5th, 2017 by Liz Brown

This week’s episode of “SNL” was heavy on political commentary, with a handful of goofy concept sketches thrown into the mix for a little balance. The long-running late night comedy show proved they’ll be pulling no punches when it comes to President Trump’s administration, and they’re coming at him from every angle they can find, including inviting special guest Melissa McCarthy to step in with a groundbreaking impression of Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Check out a complete recap of the episode below.

*Warning: Full spoilers for the episode below*

OVAL OFFICE COLD OPEN

Alec Baldwin is hosting “SNL” next week, but still showed up this week to play President Trump because there was just too much material to work with. In this segment, Trump called world leaders, trashed them and their homelands, and threatened to start wars with each and every one of them.

His call to the Australian President concluded with him shouting: “No refugees! America first! Australia sucks! Your reef is failing! Prepare to go to war!”

His call to Germany’s Angela Merkel (who is clearly desperately yearning for Obama) featured the line: “Last week was Holocaust Remembrance Day, and as you know 6 million people were at my inauguration.”

He did all this with Steve Bannon—an unidentified “SNL” cast member dressed as the Grim Reaper—standing over his shoulder and egging him on. We can’t even wrap our minds around what’s going to go on next week with Baldwin hosting the full show.

KRISTEN STEWART MONOLOGUE

Stewart took the stage and opened by saying that she was there to promote her movie “Twilight” which has been available on iTunes for the last eight years. Then, she launched into ripping President Trump for the 11 tweets he posted a few years back about her breakup with then boyfriend Robert Pattinson.

“I don’t think Donald Trump hated me,” said Stewart. “I think he was in love with my boyfriend.”
Then she imagined Trump’s ire for her will likely continue because: “I’m hosting SNL and I’m like SO GAY, dude.”

She topped off her monologue by pulling a Jenny Slate and dropping the f-bomb, saying that hosting “SNL” is “the coolest f—ing thing I’ve ever done.”

WELCOME VIDEO

The Trump administration ridicule continued with this digital short called “Welcome Video,” which was a re-edited version of the video people see when their arriving at a U.S. airport from another country. Like, HEAVILY re-edited, with an expanded list of the all-new procedures people will have to go through to get in the country and prove they’re not Muslim, including blood samples, stool samples, and full-on eating a hot dog in front of security.

DRY FRIDAYS

“SNL” took a breather from politics for this sketch about a group of students from UConn who were now required to participate in “Dry Fridays” because they’d been busted drinking in their dorms. Everyone had pretty normal stories about embarrassing moments they’d gone through while drunk, except Kristen Stewart’s character whose behavior went way too far, including getting a “No-Hawk” (a reverse Mohawk), pounding 40 beers, getting naked, grabbing a chainsaw, and cutting down 35 pine trees.

TOTINOS WITH KRISTEN STEWART

We’ve been in love with Vanessa Bayer’s Super Bowl Totino’s Pizza Rolls commercial parodies for years and we were pretty sure she couldn’t top herself, but we were wrong. This year’s commercial featured Bayer’s character finding her true love—a French woman named Sabine played by Kristen Stewart. Bayer and Stewart proceed to have a passionate affair in the kitchen behind that couch full of Big Game-watching “hungry guys.”

SEAN SPICER PRESS CONFERENCE

This was the sketch of the night.

Former host Melissa McCarthy stepped in as a special guest star to play White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, opening by screaming: “I DON’T TALK SO GOOD!”

We honestly don’t want to take a thing away from this sketch by recapping it. We just have two words: “Radical Mooselambs.” That’s it. Just watch.

ALESSIA CARA PERFORMS “SCARS TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL”

Cara’s first “SNL” performance was flawless—evocative, emotional, and beautifully performed.

WEEKEND UPDATE

Surprise, surprise. This week’s update dove headfirst into this week’s political controversies and kept on swimming the whole way through. A few of our favorite jokes included the following:

On Kellyanne Conway’s discussion of the “Bowling Green Massacre” (an event which never happened) on MSNBC this week, Colin Jost said: “In response, Congress launched an immediate investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the Bowling Green Massacre.”

On Trump’s controversial travel ban, Michael Che said: “We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats and which countries have Trump hotels.”

And in something a little more lighthearted and non-political, Colin Jost commented on a man busted for smuggling cocaine onto an airplane in three tuna cans by saying: “He faces 10 years in prison and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.”’

PART 1:

PART 2:

UPDATE GUEST: DAVID ORTIZ

Kenan Thompson reprised his role as Red Sox star David Ortiz, rooting for Super Bowl contenders the New England Patriots. This segment was basically just Thompson making fun of the beloved baseball star’s accent and announcing that he’ll be cooking a penguin as part of his personal Super Bowl feast.

CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD SUPER BOWL EDITION

This sketch was a chance for the “SNL” cast to bring out their favorite impressions: Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber, Leslie Jones as Samuel L. Jackson, Kenan Thompson as Steve Harvey and Alex Moffatt as Casey Affleck, who Thompson commented looked like “the first half of a commercial for antidepressants.”

MEET CUTE

This “Meet Cute” digital short was…cute. It starred Kristen Stewart and Pete Davidson as two people who have an instant chemical attraction when they meet at a coffee shop, agree to meet for dinner that night, but exchange no identifying details about each other and where they’re going to meet. What followed was a fairly funny sequence of Stewart prepping for her big night and Davidson desperately searching the city of Manhattan for a brown-haired girl named Claire.

ALESSIA CARA PERFORMS “RIVER OF TEARS”

Fine. We’ll admit it. “River of Tears” made us weepy. We’re not ashamed.

GOLDEN TICKET

The final sketch of the night was a take-off on Charlie and the Chocolate factory with Kristen Stewart playing Charlie who gets totally pissed off when she finds out her grandpa (Pete Davidson) hasn’t been crippled with polio all these years. He’s just old and didn’t feel like standing up. This one fell a little flat, but we’ll let it slide because this episode was so full of energy.

“SNL” returns live next week with Alec Baldwin hosting for a record 17th time and the return of musical guest Ed Sheeran.

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