Wow. We’re here.
Sure, we’re now all “convicted felons” (whatever that means) after an old lady got in the path of that TV we were forced to dismantle because we saw our 15th consecutive campaign ad in the waiting room of that dentist’s office.
But we’ve made it. Tuesday is Election Day and we are still alive, just not allowed to leave the house for a little while, all of us.
Thankfully, there are Internet videos for that. So we’ve compiled this definitive list of the 20 best videos for this 2012 election cycle. Then you never have to think about this time in your life ever again.
20 – Herman Cain: An American Presidency – The Daily Show
If you are a registered Republican and you voted for anyone other than Hermain Cain in the primaries, please slap yourself across the face. Whoever our next president is going to be, it’s unlikely he’ll be as able to defend us against Moon Nazis as capably as President Cain would have. Seriously, though, where was this Herman Cain during his campaign? Less seriously, why are electric toothbrushes so expensive now?
19 – GOP Jeopardy – The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Jay Leno made this by himself on Final Cut Pro. It took him 16 months to finish it and when it was done he sped off in a 1957 Buick Roadmaster before he stopped in a Cracker Barrel parking lot in Reno just to cry.
18 – Obama Anger Translator – Key & Peele
The first time you saw one of these you thought, “Wait, this really feels racist to me.” Then the second time you saw one you thought, “Is it just me or is this still racist?” Then the third time they made a funny one and you had too many priorities to really remember the first two times, and now here you are typing this on a Blackberry while you wait for a guy named Scouling Lou to sell you Adderall in an alley.
17 – Herman Cain Denies Future Allegations – Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Wasn’t America better when we were making sausage pizza jokes about Herman Cain instead of resigning ourselves to the reality that we’ll all be working for one of six companies by 2024 while everything’s hot and Detroit will have turned into actual Robocop but with Buick LeSabres?
16 – Kristen Wiig as Michele Bachmann as Batboy – Saturday Night Live
After the Newsweek cover, all of the debates, and the interviews, we remember when we first met Representative Bachmann and understand why the director had to tell her, “Naah, it’s OK, Mrs. Bachmann. You don’t have to look straight at the camera. Looking off to the side is just fine.”
15 – Governor Dunston – 30 Rock
We elect our politicians to lead and inspire us. But, all too frequently, they just make us angry. That’s why parodying said politicians is so necessary. It gives us the ability to laugh at them, thereby distracting us from the stuff that they’re doing that would only make us angrier. We already go to the batting cages four times a week to deal with all of the politics anger and our families are starting to worry about us. That said, we’re almost, as a country, in the 80-MPH cages, which is really, really cool, trust us.
14 – Joe Biden: Grounded for Life – Saturday Night Live
Who knew that a passing comment on an early Sunday morning news show could finally get President Obama to say something definitive about a major civil rights issue? Vice President Biden did. And he didn’t even have to drop a fratty swear this time.
13 – The Undecided Voter – Saturday Night Live
The media has been very unfair to the undecided voters of this country. Imagine the lengths you would have to go to in order to avoid television, the Internet, and even friends and family for months. You just can’t understand until you’ve lived a day in their shoes, spending hours before every square meal deciding what to eat, only to then have to decide which utensils to use. Choice like that can be crippling, so how about showing a little compassion, okay?
12 – Stephen Colbert is Running for President of South Carolina – The Colbert Report
This was easily the brightest glimmer of hope the American electoral process has seen since Lincoln. Nobody is actually sure if he was kidding or not, but I’m definitely holding out for a Colbert/Stewart 2016 Campaign. I will not leave the house until they are elected.
11 – Who Won Last Night’s Debate (That Didn’t Happen)? – Jimmy Kimmel Live
Look at Jimmy Kimmel, bragging that he found all these clairvoyant time travelers on Hollywood Boulevard. Look, I’m not putting it past him. I met a time traveler on Hollywood Boulevard once. He was dressed as Spiderman and I gave him $2,000.
10 – The 2012 GOP/Cat Debate - South Park
Cats never lose things like this.
9 – Joe Biden’s Bad Lip Reading – BadLipReading
Only one video this election season has the guts to ask the real questions like, “Is that Tammy Vilanche?” I don’t know, Joe Biden, is it?
8 – Stephen Colbert Invents a Fox News Story – The Colbert Report
“Even more troubling: Why does Peter Johnson Jr. have a name that’s three euphemisms for penis?” It’s been three weeks since this aired, Peter. Why won’t you break your silence? The public has the right to know. Yes, that says “public.” I checked three times. You don’t have to look again. Thank you for your concern.
7 – Mike Tyson as Herman Cain – FunnyOrDie
Okay, fine, we’ll just link you to the GIF of him smiling.
6 – Did Media Treat Michele Bachmann Unfairly Because She’s an Insane Woman? – Onion Network News
I mean, it’s no “I Got What America Needs Right Here” by Jimmy Carter, but The Onion still hasn’t been wrong, and I would let that staff watch my children in a heartbeat, mostly because I don’t have children, and if I did, I probably would let almost anyone watch them. I have not yet developed paternal instincts WOOH SPRING BREAK 2013!
5 – The Annex of Bulls**t Mountain – The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Thank God for Jon Stewart. I was about to get on this mountain. Turns out it’s nothing like Thunder Mountain. Thanks a lot, Yelp.
4 – Clint Eastwood Vs. The Chair – Saturday Night Live
Heaven forbid Washington hog all the crazy. Just when the three ring circus of an election was at its zaniest, lovable Hollywood curmudgeon Clint Eastwood showed up to yell at a chair. We have no idea why. Apparently no one, and we mean no one, tells Dirty Harry he can’t do something. And get off his lawn.
This is the best thing on this list and most worthy of your time, but I’m not sure it really fits in with the general watered-down shlock that surrounds it, so we’re pushing it down so you’ll likely never see it.
2 – GOP Debate: Round II – Saturday Night Live
Look, it was hard to narrow these SNL debate sketches down this election cycle. There were so many. But this one allows us to tell you to Google “Santorum” again for the first time in six months or so. It’s back to what you want it to be.
We were so understanding, as a country, allowing that man to ruin our favorite Google search for a whole two months there. We let him wear those sweaters in public in the spring, too, when it was hot, just so he could hide all that shame, and no one even said anything.
What a caring, accepting nation comprised solely of understanding, wonderful, compassionate adults. And, also, Rick Santorum.
1 – Big Bird on Weekend Update – Saturday Night Live
Oh, I almost forgot: Everything’s going to be fine.
Ben Collins, Martin Moakler, Jay Johnson, and Andrea Marker are editors and writers at Hulu. They have collectively decided that they are moving to Canada if Air Bud is not elected President of the United States. No, not the one from the soccer one. The other one.