By Alf in a Skiing Accident Outside of a Holiday Inn Express
So Alf and I are outside of this Holiday Inn Express on this little mound we’ve created for skiing. We’ve had a long weekend and don’t much feel like skiing right now, but this is a snow-covered mound and we saw it from our hotel room. We must. We have the skis.
Anyway, I underestimate the jump. I always do this and usually land a little awkwardly. That’s why Alf’s there, so he can save me, all comically, and I can pat his head and hear his joke from the 1960s about marriage. It usually works out. That’s why I have Alf there to ski with, to take on trips to Holiday Inn Express, to go on long weekends in the stranger parts of South Dakota in the winter, so Alf and I can build our memories together, forever.
But I did not know Alf was a traitor.—Ben Collins
By Ron Swanson with a Spatula in One of the Lesser Frequented Islands of Hawaii
Ron Swanson and I are stranded for weeks on a desert island. We’ve exhausted our food supply. After merely surviving on coconuts and without any “real” meat for weeks (bacon, moose and everything in between), Swanson descends into madness and decides to ravage my flesh and grill me alive. —Sheila Dichoso
By Someone Playing Mitt Romney on SNL with a Luger in 30 Rockefeller Center
INT: STUDIO 8H, DRESSED TO LOOK LIKE THE REPUBLICAN DEBATE
Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), Michele Bachmann (Kristen Wiig), and Rick Perry (Me) stand behind their respective podiums. A Moderator (Taran Killam) is seated in front of the candidates.
We’ve now reached the talent portion of the debates, and Governor Romney, as your talent you’ve chosen to juggle knives…
More like, juggle lies!
Romney ignores Perry. Sabre Dance begins to play as he pulls out a set of knives and starts juggling amazingly well. After a moment, Governor Perry pulls out an oboe and walks in front of his dais.
I believe the governor’s time is over and it’s time for my rebuttal.
Perry starts playing his oboe as he approaches Romney.
You’re too close. Hold on a second, Rick!
One of Romney’s knives goes rogue and ends up stabbing Perry through the neck. Perry falls to the ground.
Great! Are you happy now, Rick? You have the floor.
BEAT. Sudeikis breaks character, rushes to my side and feels my pulse.
Lorne Michaels rushes out on stage to examine the scene.
Lorne, I came up with a new catch phrase!
These aren’t the stage knives at all. You…killed him.
Lorne looks out at the studio audience.
Dead from New York! It’s Saturday Night!
And SCENE! (Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time someone’s died on SNL.)
Wait, No One Has Said Dexter Yet? Seriously?
Well, if not him, Walter White from Breaking Bad. He’d probably outsmart me somehow while we were talking over an MGD in a basement.—Gabe Pasillas
By No One, Because Empowerment.
While the rest of my colleagues are being impaled, suffocated, and defenestrated, I’ve reserved the right to be the Final Girl (Hey, there’s always one.) Unlike my fellow Hulugans, I didn’t split up and amble down a dark hallway alone; I didn’t run upstairs when I heard a noise; and I certainly didn’t say, “I’ll be right back.” Instead, I picked up my cell phone, got in my car, and drove straight to the police station while chatting with the 911 operator. And if all else failed, I’d dispatch my tormentor as quickly as I would a zombie in Left 4 Dead. Sorry guys, but no one makes a victim out of this girl. – Andrea Marker