Anyone who has ever been outside of their home on Halloween (this is an actual distinction – some people stay in, lock their doors, and watch The Passion of The Christ) knows that the holiday isn’t really all about spooky stuff like ghosts, monsters, and realistic-looking Dick Cheney masks. In the last few decades, Halloween in America has become an opportunity to dress up as basically anything we want – and because many of us like to seem original and timely, we try to pick witty costumes plucked from the big news stories of the past year (then again, some of us continue to pair animal ears and lingerie). Our love of this trend is why last Halloween felt like a beauty pageant for Sarah Palin look-alikes held at the bottom of a Chilean mine shaft.
There’s nothing wrong with scanning the headlines for material, and enough stuff has happened since last Halloween to inspire you to put away your store-bought sexy nurse costume and get creative. We’ve rustled up some ideas for both singles and groups. Disclaimer: Most of these will be pretty hard to sex up, but if you manage to do it, we want pictures.
COSTUMES FOR SINGLES
Late night comedians could not believe their luck when Rep. Anthony Weiner accidentally exposed himself to the nation through Twitter, joining the growing list of politicians with a penchant for internet exhibitionism. The scandal sent the entire country into a tizzy, and set records for the number of primetime penis puns. There better be so many people in Anthony Weiner costumes this Halloween that Target runs out of grey boxer briefs.
Osama Under The Sea
For all of you who have been itching to dress up as Osama all these years, but thought it would be in bad taste, now’s your chance to totally disregard the constraints of political correctness and basic decency in the name of patriotism. This is an iffy get-up that will not fly in some crowds (we would not recommend Occupying anywhere dressed this way), so feel out your target audience – if upon hearing the news of his death, all of your friends binge drank, hopped on their ATVs, and shot their guns while riding around in circles chanting “USA!”, you can probably go ahead and break out the fake beard and shroud of seaweed. SNL did, after all:
Every liberal-leaning brunette who already owned a red power suit was Sarah Palin last Halloween, which made everyone in a “Levi Johnston For Mayor” costume very nervous. Bachman makes an easy replacement for those of you who still want to make a political statement this year but don’t really want to put much effort into it. Going as Bachman will be especially easy and effective if you already have scary, crazy eyes and a closet full of pencil skirts. SNL’s Kristen Wig is making a living doing this one:
Apple fanpeople, please don’t strangle anyone dressed up as zombie Steve Jobs this Halloween. It’s too soon, but it’s going to happen, and you’re going to have to get over it. And don’t worry, next time they visit the Genius Bar, their hard drives will be wiped on principle.
For all you iZombies out there…we’re recommending you carry around a withered apple, and some pepper spray in case someone tries to strangle you anyway.
TSA Full Body Scanner
Realistically, we have no idea how to actually do this costume. But if you can figure it out, you might get the chance to, uh, endear yourself a lot of scantily-dressed people. And that’s what Halloween’s all about.
COSTUMES FOR GROUPS
Charlie Sheen & His Goddesses
All you need for this costume is an ugly fedora, a lit cigarette, pockets full of drugs, and two blonde female friends willing to dress skanky and flank you for the night (the pockets of drugs will help with that last part). Brush up on Charlie’s catch phrases, fortify yourself with a bottle of Tiger Blood, and start winning.
Zanesville Zoo Animals
Speaking of Tiger Blood…
Season Four of Jersey Shore
You could go about this a few ways, but we would recommend that only a few people dress up as Snooki and Co., at the risk of being so 2010. The rest should go as irate Italian citizens, potentially wielding pitchforks, furious at the damage done to their national reputation by having the super-coiffed, super-sloshed cast mates run rampant in Florence for months, claiming to be “100 percent Italian.”
You’ll need a few people dressed as show-biz celebrities (pregnant Beyoncé would be timely, or Kim Kardashian), some politicians (some candidates are ripe for the picking), an internet success like Mark Zuckerberg, an athlete or two, and maybe Richard Branson, or whomever else gets you going. Go forth and show the world what a diverse, fun bunch the much-maligned 1% actually is – just make sure to avoid the Occupied tent cities that are springing up everywhere, unless you’re looking for a very specific kind of candy.
That’s all we’ve got for now, but the supply is by no means exhausted. Casey Anthony! Amanda Knox! Sexy Gaddafi! You’re on your own with those.