Well, we’re out of Terminator jokes. This one’s just sort of sad.
Arnold Schwarzenegger forced us to use the word “love child” today, both in sentences on this website and saying it out loud to people we know. He’s had one for ten years, fathered it with a staffer, and that secret split up his marriage with Maria Shriver last week.
It has us reconsidering the following things:
1) This Esquire article, which was the definitive piece of literature on the former California governor (and one of the better magazine profiles ever written). It says this:
There was one time he experienced guilt — as in, one time in his entire life. That’s what he said one night, on his plane. He was talking about how his job continually surprised him and that one of the first surprises was how tough it was on his wife and his four children. “There is no relief,” he said, “and so how do you make your family buy into that? How do you make your children understand? I never knew what guilt was. I never had any guilt. That was the first time I felt it. I felt bad that I couldn’t accomplish both — pay full attention to the state and full attention to the family. It was frustrating to me, and to some degree I was angry about it — that I couldn’t do it. Now, again, I’ve found a better way.”
I mean, this is now confirmed to be performance now, right? It’s clear that we know only one thing about Arnold Schwarzenegger now, and it’s that he hasn’t apologized enough for “Kindergarten Cop.”
2) TMZ will be sending us some gritty details about this by the end of the day. They knew before everybody else—of course they did—but they sat this one out and let the news come out mostly organically, waiting for absolute sources.
That leads to this question: If they’re the bastions of news integrity now, aren’t they almost unstoppable? Can they take over for Katie Couric? Will there be war anymore with that kind of transparency? Or will the world just consist of a series of affairs with Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband?
Until then, until TMZ can save humanity, we’re just a little sad. There’s thrilling, almost fun political scandal and then there’s this. Not only does this whole story completely invalidate “Jingle All the Way,” it also just depresses us to no end.
Let’s just pour one out and listen to Randy Newman. It’s always the best way out.